Confused
Posted by SweetiePie on 02/07/2010
Hello,
I am nineteen and I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for two years this march but I am having a little trouble deciding if I want to continue with this relationship or not. My story is I have been ignoring this for months so now it has built up so bad, that now I don’t know what I want anymore. I love this guy to death and am pretty sure he loves me back. The thing is there are situations happening that I don’t exactly like, not that I want to complain. A little background you may need to know before giving advise is we became a long distance relationship 10 months into our relationship. anyway the things that have been bothering me are;
1. When we fight and it seems to be often lately he gets so angry, like it sounds like there is so much hate in his voice that it kind of scares me.
2. He has to have the last word in every fight and if I state my opinion he usually hangs up the phone on me.
3. He never wants to talk about whats wrong he is always like we will talk about it later, which I would understand you know to cool off and calm down but when the next day comes he says it’s over with why do we need to talk about it now. And gets angry again.
4. He gets so judgemental of people I hang out with, guys or girls. And if we fight he gets mad when I talk to my bestfriend about it.
5. I have been accused of cheating on him or checking out his friends.
6. In my opinion he talks down to me like he is better then me.
7. Money means a lot to him, kind of more then me or at least thats how it seems. And he always thinks that since he buys me stuff, everything is good. but I have told him over and over that I’m not that kind of girl I don’t care about all this fancy stuff and if I had to choose between the items and affection it would not be the items he buys me.
8. We have talked about our future and he wants me to move like days away from my family which i don’t think I could do. (I think we have been believing we are going to change each others mind on that one).
9. The other day we got into a fight and started discussing our realationship and he said two things I didn’t like hearing; one was “If you want to go on a break or break up or anything, then it’s over.” and then the other was, I asked him if he love me and he said “I Love You but… ” like come on whats that.
Now I am not sayin he is completely a bad guy because he’s not. And I love him to death and I know he loves me to a degreee. I’m just confuesd and I don’t know what I want to do. Now I am not sure if I can’t figure out what I want is because I love him and can’t seem to let him go or becuase I think I might be over thinking everything.
I know you can’t decide for me but please give me a little advice.
Signed Sweetie Pie
CherylAnne said,
Hi Sweetie Pie,
You shouldn’t be able to list nine things about a relationship that are really going wrong. It may be no ones fault but it doesn’t mean you should stay in this relationship.
Having a long distance relationship is very difficult and I would say only worthwhile if you have definite plans for your future together. It sounds to me that the two of you are fighting for a couple of reasons.
1. You don’t want the same things. He wants you to move away from your family and you don’t want to do that. He cares a great deal about money and it doesn’t mean that much to you. That is a dealbreaker right there.
2. He is very insecure with himself. He can’t open up to you, he talks down to you, he judges others around you, he yells at you and doesn’t trust you or others. This shows he is too immature to be in a relationship with anyone if he isn’t even comfortable it his own skin.
3. He doesn’t have long term plans with you in them. Just the fact that he said to you “If you want to go on a break or…” He has it already in his head that it’s over but he wants it to be your fault, just like he wants to always have the last word.
He may not be a bad person but what he is doing to you is unacceptable. Arguing occasionally is normal but once the fighting gets so bad that he will hang up on you or accuse you of cheating, he has become a burden on your wellbeing.
I think it is definitely time for you to end this relationship. He can be your first love but not the man you should spend the rest of your life with. He needs to work out his own issues and you shouldn’t be around for that ride.
I know it’s hard to get rid of him and you may think that you can change him back to the guy you loved before but the truth is, he is now showing you his true colours. The man he is now is the same man as before, just with different stressors and circumstances.
I think you should write a list like you just did above on all the ways he is good to you (and it should be recent, not things he did in the past) and then compare those two lits. You will realize that he isn’t contributing to this relationship the way you are.
Why be with someone who doesn’t deserve you? Share your love with someone who will appreciate it and will fully reciprocate.
Tara Landon said,
Hi there,
It sounds to me that you both were very young when you started dating. If you’re 19 now that means you were 17 when you began dating this man. That is a very transitional period in your life. People change drastically during that period, after they graduate highschool, they can either start working or going to post-secondary, either way, they meet new people and have a new circle of friends and transition into adulthood. I agree with Cheryl that the man he is now, has different stressors and circumstances and that the relationship dynamic seems to be changing. It sounds to me as if you are growing up and apart at the same time.
He also seems to not be putting any effort into the relationship and you deserve a guy who wants it to work just as much as you do. You shouldn’t be fighting with him just to make him treat you with respect. From what it sounds like you may love him, but timing counts for a lot more than what people give it credit for. You may love him, but it’s just not the right time for both of you to have found your one and only yet. My advice is to spend some times apart, discover who you are and what you want out of life and let him do the same. I think if you do that and chase after your goals you’ll meet someone who is along the same path as you and it would make for a more successful relationship. Also, you’re YOUNG! Live it up! Date a bunch of people and enjoy yourself!
Babybel said,
Hi Sweetie Pie,
Your story sounds exactly like mine….except it wasn’t a long distance relationship. I was with him for 4 1/2 years and I’m 10 years older than you….so you’re not alone!! He broke things off and moved out of our rental apartment…I”m actually quite relieved now that we’re not together. There’s so much I want to do and to reconnect with myself and what I want. I highly encourage you to do the same..its very fulfilling..give yourself time to reflect on your life and what you want.
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