CONTEST ENTRY – My Best Red Flag Rule‏

Posted by starsinmyeyes4444 on 06/02/2010

In October of 2009, I decided to set up my first online dating profile. After tons of tweaking and editing I finally felt like I created something that portrayed me well (seriously, I swear!!) and also gave a precise and distinct description of what I was looking for. I started receiving emails regularly from the typical DB’s that I expected; then out of nowhere I got an email from a great guy.. or so I thought!! After a few emails, which eventually turned into texts, we decided to meet up on the following Friday, which just happened to be Halloween… dun dun dunnnnnn!!! So I pick out the perfect outfit, do my hair and makeup and head out to our meeting spot. While driving there “Mr. Perfect” felt it necessary to text me and ask if he should wear shorts or khaki slacks, this should have been my first sign! When I got there, he was wearing the khaki slacks I advised him to wear but THEY WERE WRINKLED AND SO WAS HIS SHIRT!!! (Sign #2, perhaps??!!) I mean, he looked like he pulled his outfit out of his dirty laundry pile! Well, regardless of his messy appearance I allowed him to buy me a few glasses of wine. We ended up having great conversation and a ton in common so I decided to accept his offer of a stroll down by the bay. He told me to park my car near his apartment on the way there and so I followed him to his place. When we got there I asked to use the bathroom, of course (come on did you really think I was going to let you down??????). We get up to his place and it was quite obvious that he had just moved in so I kind of let him off for the messy appearance thing. I made my way to the bathroom, did my business and as soon as I walked out of the door, he began to eat my face. I’m talking full on sloberfest! Anyways, after a shananigan filled half hour, complete with his request to pass up our walk and play Rock Band in his apartment (not THOSE shananigans!!) we finally made it to the bay. We walked along for a while and then found a bench and decided to sit for a bit. As soon as I planted my butt on the bench, he wrapped his arm around my neck, held me close and THREW HIS LEGS OVER MINE, LIKE I’M HIS MOMMY! I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed for him, I didn’t know what to do. I let it slide for a few minutes and then finally managed to get him the hell off of me! Clearly this dude had no idea what the heck personal space was because as soon as I took a breath his tongue was invading my mouth and declaring war on mine! I managed to get out of danger, wound free and soon after we started making our way back to his apartment. When we got there, I needed to get my purse so once again I found myself making my way to his apartment. After using the bathroom again, I opened the door,expecting the same frightening scene as before but instead it was worse! I was beckoned to “Mr. Perfect’s” bedroom where I found him laying on the bed, George Costanza style (but with clothes, thankfully). The absolutely most unbearable part of the scene was that he was stroking his kitty, literally petting his cat! At this point I knew I needed to get out and get out fast! Before I could make my move, he leaned over an pulled me down to the bed and attempted to spoon me. Thankfully I was able to arrange myself in a ridiculously awkward position and saved myself from possibly feeling his manpiece, which was most likely also ready for war. In order to get up and out of the quasi-spooning position I asked him to have a cigarette with me. We head outside to his patio and before I could even light my smoke, he asked if I would mind if he smoked a “bowl”. I didn’t really respond which somehow gave him the ok and after we enjoyed our separate, preferred versions of “smoking plants” I began making my way back in to gather my things and go. As he followed me in I quickly mentioned that it was getting late and that I should get going and at that very moment I heard what every desperate man must say at the end of a noticeably horrible date, “Well, you can stay if you’d like…” I said no faster than the rate at which Indian food miraculously digests, and began heading for the door. I ran down to my car and he followed me!! As I fumbled to open the door he managed to tongue battle me one more time, then asked to take me out again and before I allowed myself to answer, I jumped in the car, slammed the door and drove off. Believe it or not, I still got a call from him the next morning asking me out to brunch. Boy was this guy clueless!! I have three red flag rules:#1 If he is asking you to pick out his outfit before you meet, he is a mama’s boy and is incapable of making simple decisions!#2 If he is wearing wrinkled clothes, run…fast! Obviously he doesn’t care about his appearance or impressing you!#3 If he tosses his legs over yours while sitting on a bench, throw his freaking legs off and get the hell out of there!

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